If my body was on fire, you’d watch me burn down in the flames.

That title has no relevance to this most, it just happened to be the line of music that was playing at the time this page loaded. Oh well. I seriously am typing this post because I have so many things to say, but I’m at my internship, and really need to do the work that Avanti has given me. I just want to write though… my head is in such a weird place right now. I can literally feel myself growing up here, every single day. It’s really bittersweet. I don’t want to be 22. I don’t want to graduate and have to figure out the rest of my life. One thing I’ve learned about London is my hunger to just get out there… I sit there on the couch with my flat mates, all of us our computers, Skyping or on Facebook or blogging or whatever, and I just want to get up and go do something. ANYTHING. Explore. I want to explore all the time. Especially after yesterday- Westminster Abbey is the most beautiful building I’ve ever seen. Inside and out. I couldn’t stop just STARING at everything. It’s so cliche, but we spend our lives just ignoring the majority of our surroundings. I want to appreciate it all. I’m so fortunate to be in London, and I want to spend every moment possible seeing every bit of the city that I can. Yes, I want to travel other places, and I know for sure that I’m going to Amsterdam and Spain, but that’s not my main concern. London is so big, and the map I’m looking at currently shows all the boroughs. I’ve been to maybe 7 of them? Not okay. I want to know and cherish this city before I’m forced to leave it.

The other thing I can’t stop thinking about are my emotions. They’re so much more in check than I ever thought they’d be while I’m without therapy, but I’m still struggling. I try and tell myself that I can do things (like drink every night and sleep with someone without feeling anything) that I really can’t. I’ve never been able to accept my limitations. If I want to do something, I do it, regardless of consequences or barriers. In some ways that’s a really good thing, but everyone has their breaking points. I’ve tolerated more than I thought possible, but as usual, here I am reminding myself that there are things I CANNOT do. As much as I want to. All of this is even without factoring in my ex, who continues to pop into my life sporadically despite the fact that I unfriended him (and his new girlfriend) on Facebook.

All I freaking want is to go out and dance with my friends and meet a nice guy. But apparently, that’s not possible. Especially at 2 PM on a Thursday… why do I always think these things at the worst times? All right, this post was pointless and way too long, and I can’t post it to Facebook because it mentions sex (my mom would lose it). I’ll have to post a PG-rated version later. Now I need to actually do work.


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